Nursing
Baby, Nursing Child
Hynotherapist Offers An Alternative To The Stress
And Fear Of Childbirth
September 11, 2001
The Twelve Days of Breastfeeding
Flowers In The Fridge
The Hidden Emotional Lives Of New Parents
Nursing
Baby, Nursing Child©
by
Susan Johnson MFA, IBCLC
Rituals and Reflections Nursing Baby
"Who can say what flows through the breast along with the nutrients and antibodies? Perhaps our child grows fat on memory, spirit, dream and story..." *
Ashley Montagu once said, "We learn to be human at our mother's breast." We learn where we belong, and where we may return. The brightening and fluttering of eyes. The wriggle deep into arms. This is where we first learn to be safe. Where we begin the dance of language, and where we speak without words.
Skin-to-skin you and your baby share an exquisite physical intimacy. You need one another. Your body-sharing in pregnancy was essential but obligatory, friendly but passive. There is nothing passive about your breastfeeding relationship. It is all about the two of you reaching out for one another, again and again.
It is the
reaching, and the repetition, that is the making of tradition. In her book,
THE HEART OF A FAMILY, Meg Cox discusses the rituals and traditions that offer
so much to the foundation of a family. Her list, "Ten Good Things Rituals
Do for Children," is sound. Your first- or newest- babe in arms is already
learning at your breast. The simplest routine of comfort and milk reflects many
of Meg's thoughts on ritual:
Ten Good Things Rituals Do for Children
(from THE HEART OF A FAMILY, Meg Cox)
1. Impart a sense of identity
2. Provide comfort and security
3. Help to navigate change
4. Teach Values
5. Cultivate knowledge of cultural or religious heritage
6. Teach practical skills
7. Solve problems
8. Keep alive a sense of departed family members
9. Create wonderful memories
10. Generate joy
It is not what we choose for children that they will necessarily remember -- or remember most fondly. Most likely our children will remember the ordinary. What we did most often. What they saw and heard and practiced. What we have chosen to remember through repetition, photos, and retelling.
Treasure the rituals you have together. Nursing your infant awake each morning may have become a practical way to ease into the day. On ordinary days it may help you capture an extra 20 minutes in bed. On busy days it may fluster your attempts to dash out to early appointments. Traveling, it may remind both of you that you are always "home" together. Routines slip into our lives. The fact that they are there, stretching out, is reason enough to consider them.
Nursing your baby more than sustains him. For your newborn, nursing is all he is actively doing. Your breasts, your milk, and your touch are his whole world. Imagine the importance of this routine in his life. Imagine how the two of you will build from this sweet start.
Remember to nurse gladly. Brothers and sisters are watching. So are other women. If we find ourselves too busy to nurse the newest angel in the family, just how busy are we? Babies don't shelve for later enjoyment.
Throughout the holidays there are moments that frame our children. Some of them we choose. More often, our children are framed in the everyday. Phrases we repeat. Meals taken together, or not. Stories told and heard, or the busyness that keeps our hearts apart. Let's hope this season is filled with moments we'll want to keep in a pocket a lifetime, everyday traditions we can take into the new year and beyond. Hands held, eyes met, time taken at the end of the day to hold one another.
Families in our valley and beyond will give thanks, circle the changing sun, open presents nightly by candlelight, carol under trees. Our children will take their places this winter, in your family and mine, and in our shared community. Peace to us all.
Nursing Child
"I think my life began with waking up and loving my mother's face." Mirah in George Elliot's "Daniel Deronda"
Sometimes I imagine the world begins with one child, the world spinning around her. In time, she learns that instead she is spinning around her glorious mother. In turn, she is stilled the day her own child is born and begins to circle gloriously around her, now the mother, the center of awakening life.
Our patterns comfort us. Our roles. The ease with which we nurture one another through evolving relationships. Remember the early days and weeks with a new baby? When we satisfy the baby, we feel comforted ourselves. How satisfying to know that you and only you can soothe this one perfect baby. How helpless we feel when the baby cannot be comforted, when we cannot stop the tears, our baby's or our own. Through time each of us becomes The Mother. The one whose breasts and arms can make the world right. The once-infant grows into the little person who begins to spin around and away from us, creating new constellations.
I remember the moment in time when my daughter discovered we were both spinning, each around the other. "I nurse YOU!," she quipped. "No, I nurse YOU!," I returned. On and on, we repeated, my daughter laughing at the breast, quieting and repeating, pealing in laughter. It was a wonderful time for us, dancing in rounds, completely in balance.
The quintessential tease of a mother and child: I love you. How many of us have played with a child saying "I love you the most!" and hearing back "No, I love YOU the most!" A recurring theme of bedtime stories, ad libbed and formally drawn, there must be a reason for its draw. We have such a yearning to love and be loved. To reach out for one another.
Perhaps the need for community begins when one mother, pressing her newborn to her breast, realizes she cannot do this alone. Her child grows watching the ways in which he and his mother, and all those woven into their lives, interact as a community. This is the village. Sometimes local, sometimes global.
Sadly, we are reminded recently that the human village is not always nurturing. As mothers, how can we restore balance in an uncertain world? The question evokes hope as well as despair. Truthfully, the question has always been before us. Long before our homeland became a playground for terrorists, mothers from the beginning of dawn have known it is an uncertain world in which we give birth. Hope begins again in the faces of our children. As our children come to life and love at the breast, perhaps we are new-born again as well.
As a nation we have been drawn together in new ways. The year draws to a close with more questions, more challenges as we look into the eyes of our children by day and touch their sleeping bodies by night. What do we have to give them now? What will they have from us in the future? In many ways the comforting patterns we begin in infancy ripple throughout childhood.
Our homes are our havens. The place where we find sleep finds us most vulnerable. And so the place we sleep must be a sanctuary. A safe place, a place of comfort.
In the aftermath of our national crisis in September, more of us began to speak openly about sleeping together as a family. In the weeks and months following, the challenges of caring for our children have increasingly become more complicated. It is no wonder that caring for them and for ourselves, at night, becomes a more poignant issue.
Some strange bedfellows of the family bed have emerged, as more voices suggest that children may be comforted at night by the presence of a parent. Perhaps not every night. Perhaps not all night. But the suggestion is more often made that perhaps our children will seek and be comforted by our bodies. Even in sleep, our children reach for us and for each other and find comfort in our shared warmth.
Bodily comfort is so important to us as adults. So much confusion arises from the ways in which we speak of sleeping together. Some confusion arises from our euphemism for romance. Yet beyond the playfulness of adults lies the human need at any age to touch, to share sleep, to be at peace with the people with whom we share physical and spiritual space. The people with whom we make a home.
Many families have a tradition of shared sleep. It is a tradition crossing the globe. When snow falls and cold settles in the valley, how many of us instinctively lift a child to a lap? How many of us will have babes in arms and children spilling next to us tonight on couches and in beds? To nurse, to hear stories, to simply be quiet and warm at the end of another day, hopeful for tomorrow.
Again, peace to us all. Peace to us all.
Hynotherapist Offers An Alternative To The Stress And Fear Of Childbirth©
By Hillary Hall
When I'm asking friends and family members, "Hey, have you ever heard of HypnoBirthing™? The usual answer was Hypno-What? This proved my hypothesis that HypnoBirthing™ and the entire hypnotherapy industry is little known and often misunderstood. As I talked with Aaron Aldridge, clinical hypnotherapist and HypnoBirthing™ teacher, I gained important insights and a lot of confidence in the study of hypnotherapy.
Aaron Aldridge became interested in hypnotherapy as a way to manage stress and high sugar resulting from his diabetes. As he found this type of therapy beneficial, he decided to study it further. He was trained in hypnotherapy and received his certificate at the Atwood Institute for Research and Development in Arizona. Mr. Aldridge is also a member of the National Board for Hypnotherapy and Hypnotic Anesthesiology. He began his career treating cancer patients in Washington State, and currently has moved his family back to Utah and started practices in Orem and West Jordan. Many of Mr. Aldridge's clients seek his help to over come negative behaviors and addictions, and also for help with weight loss, insomnia, and pain management.
The first thing that is most commonly misunderstood about hypnotherapy is that people think you are asleep during hypnosis. Actually, hypnosis a natural state and that the client is not asleep or under anyone's control. Hypnosis is not meant to be silly or ridiculous, as stage shows try to portray. Another myth is that it is possible to get "stuck" in hypnosis or be "programmed" to do something embarrassing. This is also not true. Hypnosis is actually a relaxed state that one passes through when falling asleep and waking up naturally.
Many mothers find hypnosis beneficial in childbirth. Mr. Aldridge is also a HypnoBirthing™ teacher. This class teaches prospective parents how to have a positive birthing experience, rather than a stressful, painful, and chaotic one, which is often the case. By using self-hypnosis techniques, the mother and her birthing companion are able to break the fear-tension-pain cycle so often associated with childbirth. This type of self-hypnosis can be described as an intense focusing which allows the mother to be awake, yet able control the level at which she feels contractions. This method also promotes a special bond among mother, father and baby. It allows for a more rapid postnatal recovery and can greatly reduce or eliminate the need for chemical painkillers. In Mr. Aldridge's past classes, his students have had an 89%-91% success rate in not needing epidural anesthesia. This method can also shorten the first stage of labor by several hours and also creates a more important and fulfilling role for the birthing companion.
Mr. Aldridge's HypnoBirthing™ classes consist of four sessions, 2 hours each. These classes are packed with valuable information covering the entire childbirth experience. Students learn self-hypnosis techniques to replace fear and tension with confidence, calm and comfort. Relaxation techniques are also taught, which create shorter, more comfortable labor and help mothers control the body's natural anesthesia. Mr. Aldridge emphasizes the need for prenatal and postnatal bonding. He also understands the need for the father to have an uplifting birthing experience through their important role as companion in the birthing process. Mr. Aldridge's class even covers birth plans, birthing positions, and everything a prospective mom would need to know to have a positive experience. It is also important to note that HypnoBirthing™ is not particular to one mindset when it comes to anesthesia: it is entirely up to mom. Many of his patients are 3rd and 4th time moms who are looking for a better birthing experience and are ready to try something new.
Take Ruth Brandt of Eagle Park. She delivered her third child, a boy, in July 2000 after taking Mr. Aldridge's class. "I cannot describe how unbelievable this birth was compared to my first two," she says. Mrs. Brandt tried to use epidural anesthesia with her first two births, but a septum in the epidural space of her spine made it impossible for the anesthesia to work. She became numb on one side of her body, instead of the lower half. Because of this complication, and the fear and pain she has experienced in childbirth, she and her husband tried HypnoBirthing™ as an alternative. Mrs. Brandt describes Mr. Aldridge's class as wonderful. She felt that she was educated in everything she and her husband needed to know about self-hypnosis and relaxation techniques as well as prenatal bonding. When it came time to deliver, Mrs. Brandt was still a little skeptical that perhaps she would not be able to be relaxed sufficiently to be comfortable in labor. But, as labor progressed, she says that she knew contractions were going on but she was not in pain. She was able to use HypnoBirthing™ techniques to remain comfortable without any other anesthesia. Her nurses were absolutely amazed at Mrs. Brandt s ability to control the pain and stress of the situation. Mrs. Brandt was able to deliver a healthy baby boy and says of her experience, my labor was more productive because I wasn't fighting my body's natural reaction to the pain of childbirth. I experienced less fatigue during this birth because I was able to relax. She says that even though her son came out with his arm raised up above his head, her experience was great. She would definitely use HypnoBirthing™ again and recommends Mr.
Aldridge's class. Mr. Aaron Aldridge's offices are at the Mainspring Wellness Center in Orem at 502 S. State Street, and in West Jordan in Sensory Dynamics. He can be reached at (801) 319-8885, or you can visit his website:http://www.utahhypnobirthing.com
September
11, 2001©
Our
Sadness is Beyond Tears for the Precious Lives Lost
by Leilah McCracken
This BirthLove Column appeared in Issue 26.8, 9/17/01 of the OBCNEWS.
I am drawn irrevocably to the disasters on Tuesday... especially to the towers of the World Trade Center falling. I am almost too stunned to write about it all... about those four planes- hitting the Pentagon, Pennsylvania... New York City... about the lives lost, the children left motherless, fatherless... it is a sadness that goes beyond tears- a pain that words cannot touch- only images... only images- the fiery flash of the planes' impacts- the devastation let behind... only images can capture the pain and wrenching sorrow that comes after the attacks we felt that day.
We... we felt them... all caring, sentient humans around the globe are equally shattered by it all. All the lives lost... I go through my days now, thinking of them- always thinking of them- the lives lost, the ones left behind- the trauma and horror endured by all those in close proximity of terror- all I can do is think of them, hope to God more precious lives are pulled from the wreckage. But then I think... what are the chances... I think of the massive towers, and imagine them falling on me. No way... how could I escape...
This whole tragedy reminds me of going through a miscarriage. There is a pain- too deep for words to completely touch- a hole left in one's heart; an entry and exit for a depth of awful, deep mourning... a constant awareness of the fragility of life- a tenuousness of existence- a reminder that life is as a shudder of a leaf as it is blown from a tree- we are tossed about by fate- by the wind- and land where we will, when we will.... we live, we die- and it all comes down to the same- we all end up returned to the earth.
How many lives lost that day... what the rescue workers are seeing and feeling I can only attempt to comprehend. Bodies, anguish- the sum of humanity's genuine fragility, and our wish to control our own destiny- through money, through power...
This is what the World Trade Centers represented. Enormous wealth and power- a defiance over the humble, the natural- yet it all came crashing down, just as all humans will eventually fall- into death. Into death... so much death, so much poignant symbolism- so much nattering and tattering with words, hollow, vacuous words- when there is so much to cry about, so little to die about... oh why did all those poor souls have to die so soon?
In a CNN Internet poll, people were asked what emotion they identified most with in the wake of Tuesday's tragedy: shock, sorrow or anger. By far most people voted anger. I don't share this feeling right now... I am in deepest sorrow, deepest sadness... like I miscarried all those precious lives lost, like they were all somehow deep in my body and heart- then were ripped away from me...
I love all those people so much. Those who died who were in the planes, the buildings... and those who gave their lives trying to save the perishing. As black a fire that was lit by the exploding planes- as final and deadly as the holes that were left by the wreckage... as deeply sorrowful, as bitterly wrenching, aing, as hopelessly humbling- as our pain in this goes on and on- so will the symbols of our own fragility. We cannot rise above that which we will return to... we are earth...
All of our love to those who were killed by the attacks on Tuesday, September 11th, 2001. Let us touch your souls with our tears... embrace your everlasting goodness with our quiet weeping. Your lives were precious, needed, valuable... and so will your love in the afterlife be. All we can do now is touch you with our hearts... you will always be missed, and loved.
The
Twelve Days Of Breastfeeding©
by Kelliann Mendez (breastfeeding peer counselor)
On the first day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: colostrum to increase my immunity!
On the second day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: two full breasts and colostrum to increase my immunity!
On the third day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: minimized jaundice, two full breasts and colostrum to increase my immunity!
On the fourth day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: fewer Dr. visits, minimized jaundice, two full breasts and colostrum to increase my immunity!
On the fifth day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: LESS ALLERGIES!... fewer Dr. visits, minimized jaundice, two full breasts and colostrum to increase my immunity!
On the sixth day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: Zero constipation LESS ALLERGIES!... fewer Dr. visits, minimized jaundice, two full breasts and colostrum to increase my immunity!
On the seventh day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: teeth and jaw development, zero constipation, LESS ALLERGIES!... fewer Dr. visits, minimized jaundice, two full breasts and colostrum to increase my immunity!
On the eighth day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: reduced risk of breast cancer, teeth and jaw development, zero constipation, LESS ALLERGIES!... fewer Dr. visits, minimized jaundice, two full breasts and colostrum to increase my immunity!
On the ninth day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: skin to skin comfort, reduced risk of breast cancer, teeth and jaw development, zero constipation, LESS ALLERGIES!... fewer Dr. visits, minimized jaundice, two full breasts and colostrum to increase my immunity!
On the tenth day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: decreased chance of diabetes, skin to skin comfort, reduced risk of breast cancer, teeth and jaw development, zero constipation, LESS ALLERGIES!... fewer Dr. visits, minimized jaundice, two full breasts and colostrum to increase my immunity!
On the eleventh day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: bonding and loving, decreased chance of diabetes, skin to skin comfort, reduced risk of breast cancer, teeth and jaw development, zero constipation, LESS ALLERGIES!... fewer Dr. visits, minimized jaundice, two full breasts and colostrum to increase my immunity!
On the twelfth day of breastfeeding my mommy gave to me: Higher IQ, bonding and loving, decreased chance of diabetes, skin to skin comfort, reduced risk of breast cancer, teeth and jaw development, zero constipation, LESS ALLERGIES!... fewer Dr. visits, minimized jaundice, two full breasts and colostrum to increase my immunity!
Flowers
In The Fridge©
Forcing
bulbs to bloom in indoors mid-winter
By Maggie Wolf, USU Extension Horticulturist,
Salt Lake County
There's nothing like fresh flowers to brighten the home during the winter months. Children will enjoy working with their parents to 'create' a pot of flowering bulbs. Some flowering bulbs are quite easy to grow and require nothing more than potting and watering. Some other favorite bulbs are not quite as anxious to please, and they need encouragement to bloom for us indoors. Either way, forcing bulbs to bloom in mid-winter will lift your spirits and can provide a great learning activity for children and parents alike.
In nature, bulbs grow as perennials, propagating themselves by'offsets' (smaller bulbs growing from the base of mature bulb). The older bulbs eventually die off, and the offsets grow larger every year until they mature and bloom. For tulips, daffodils, and many other spring-blooming bulbs, a chilling period is required before the bulbs will flower. The natural cycle of a tulip is to grow leaves in the spring (and bloom if mature); store energy into the bulb, then go dormant while the summer is is hot and dry. In the early winter, when rains occur, root growth starts. When spring temperatures rise and days lengthen, the tulips grow and bloom again. It is this natural cycle we must simulate if we want to make the tulip bloom outside of its natural environment.
The easiest bulbs to force don't require any chilling as they grow their root system. These include the amaryllis, papeiwhite narcissus, and some hyacinths. These bulbs are often packaged and marketed during the winter months, and for some people these bulbs are a holiday tradition. Amaryllis can rebloom year after year if given proper care.
Tulips are probably the most difficult but rewarding of all bulbs to force. To trick bulbs like tulips into blooming, they must be potted, chilled, and then brought out into warmth and light. This sequence is a simulation of a cold wet winter followed by longer, warmer days of spring (the bulbs' natural environment.)
To pot: Use a relatively shallow pot such as an azalea pot. Plastic or ceramic will work. Use a good quality sterile potting media to allow adequate drainage and discourage disease. For a 6" azalea pot, you will want about 5 or 6 tulip bulbs. Allow 2" potting media under the bottom of the bulbs, and allow the tops of the bulbs to be even with the pot top. As you place the bulbs into the pot, find the flat side of the bulb and line it up along the outside of the pot. The largest leaf will then grow to drape over the outside edge of the pot. Gently firm the potting media around the bulbs and fill so that you can still see the rounded top 1/4 of the bulb. A pinch of bone meal at the base of each bulb will provide nutrients. After potting, water thoroughly then drain thoroughly.
To chill: Place the pot in a cool dark place - one that will stay between 35' and 55' F (a crisper in the 'fridge will work...but don't keep apples in the same compartment - the ethylene given off by the apples could damage the bulbs). After 15 weeks of chilling (check periodically to make sure the potting media is still damp), there should be sufficient root growth to supply moisture for the growing bulbs.
To grow: Place the pot of chilled bulbs in a location with indirect light and room temperature about 60'F for a week or two. When the shoots are about 4" tall, move the pot into a bright, sunny location to prompt blooming. A room temperature of about 68'F and direct sunlight will produce the best results. When the flower buds show color, you may move the pot back into indirect light to make the flowers last longer.
Tulips, once forced, will probably not bloom again the next year, since their life cycle has been disrupted. It is best to discard them or place them in a little-used area of your garden. They may be able to regenerate themselves after a few years.
Bulb 'forcing' may be considered a little 'tricky', but the 'trickiest' part is finding space in your 'fridge to store them for 15 weeks! There are alternatives like digging a trench in a well-drained area of your garden about 2 feet deep, lining it with loose gravel, placing the pots in, covering with newspaper then piling the dirt back over them. Mulch heavily over the trench, and hope that in 15 weeks you can still dig in the soil (if it hasn't frozen).
By any method possible, forcing bulbs can bring fresh life into your winter days. Plan ahead and try it as a family project this winter!
The Hidden Emotional Lives Of New Parents©
by Diana Mandell, Certified Mental Health Counselor
PREFACE
(by Abby Myers, ARNP)
Diana Mandell is a counselor who practices psychotherapy in Bellevue, Washington. She has been in private practice for 12 years. Diana developed a model program for new mothers called Listening Mothers. This group format began at Redmond Pediatrics in 1994. It has expanded and is now a countywide program through Family Services. The focus of the groups is on the emotional development of new mothers. The group program at Redmond Pediatrics is composed of women with newborn babies referred from the practice. Some areas covered are: Understanding the primitive feelings of babies and how they impact mothers and fathers, being the good enough versus the perfect parent, managing marital adjustment, looking at the temperament of baby and parent, dealing with separation issues and more. The examples demonstrate the powerful impact of the parents' own early experiences on their perceptions of their babies. They also clarify what the emotional work of parenting an infant can involve for any new parent.
Jackie, an attractive and exhausted 32 year old new mother, arrived at her mother's support group ten minutes late for the first meeting. Carrying her daughter Cassie, she sat down with four other new mothers, apologized for her tardiness and said: "Cassie is 7 weeks old and I've been late for everything for 7 weeks. I can't get it together." The other mothers gave laughs of recognition. Through 5 more group sessions Jackie was late. She openly shared her feelings about sleep deprivation, getting up frequently through the night. She described Cassie grunting at night. When Jackie would hear these baby grunts she would immediately pick the baby up and put her on her chest waiting for Cassie to quiet. Cassie would then be returned to her bassinet until her next grunt. Jackie was interpreting the baby's grunts as a sign that she was in pain. This new mother was surprised to learn that babies often grunt and it isn't usually a sign of pain.
During a later session Jackie said that her parents told her that as an infant she had colic for a year. They followed the doctor's advice to let her "cry it out," without picking her up. Thus, as an infant, Jackie had been left to experience her pain alone. That she was reading her own hidden pain into her infant's behavior now began to make sense. This group experience helped Jackie to learn to distinguish between her baby's experience and buried memories of her own early experience.
Interestingly, another group participant told Jackie that if her infant were to grunt like that, she would have thought that her baby was lonely. This mother, it turns out, as a baby went home with her father shortly after birth while her mother remained hospitalized for several more weeks. Clearly, a part of her was lonely for her mother during that time. Given the different feelings ascribed of five mothers quickly understood what was happening.
In each first meeting of the semi-structured support group for mothers, we discuss the idea that a baby's needs become mother's needs for a period of time. In the moment-by-moment care giving a newborn, the states of mind engendered within a mother form the basis for a powerful identification with the infant's needs. Donald Winnicott (1987), the noted pediatrician and child psychiatrist, stated: "When she (mother) was a baby she had just these same needs. She does not remember, but nothing of experience is ever lost and somehow it happens that the mother meets the new baby's dependence, by a highly sensitive personal understanding that makes her able to adapt to real need."
After a first meeting of another six-week group, Ellie came up to talk with me. She held two month old Kevin in her arms. Ellie asked if I would please read "That quote about the past" to her again. She then told me that since Kevin's birth she couldn't bear to put him down. She hadn't even left him with her husband though he'd offered numerous times. Ellie spoke emotionally about the fact that she had been in an orphanage for two months before being adopted: "I don't know who, if anyone, ever picked me up!" Winnicott's quote helped her to understand her own behavior. She could see that because of her own early history, on a deeper level than she was able to find words to express, she was convinced that Kevin needed constant holding. She could then start to understand that Kevin's experience was different than her own. The following week Ellie returned and told the group that she had left Kevin with her husband for a half hour for the first time.
How much do we remember from infancy? Few of us have memories that we can recall. My group experiences with mothers and infants has allowed me to observe that having a baby provides an avenue back to significant positive and negative early life experiences which are drawn on but consciously remembered. Because these memories are not conscious, assistance is helpful to recognize what is being revived.
Beth attended group with ten-week old Megan. During one of the meetings she spoke of a big fight she had with her husband. This was quite upsetting to her because fighting was rare for this couple. She thought that she was angry with Brad because he wasn't helping out as much as she wanted. Beth described the following scene: Brad, sitting in front of the T.V., was watching a basketball game. Megan, in her infant seat, was on the floor next to him. Beth walked through the den during some "baby-free time." It registered with her that Megan was staring at Brad as he was transfixed by the game. The fight between the two of them happened later that night.
In group another of the covered topics is "replays of attachments," the notion that we all carry inside of us a history of our relationships with important figures of attachment (parents, siblings, etc.). In Beth's case, she was rarely able to get her own dad's attention. After a few days Beth came upon a new understanding about the fight she and Brad had had. She realized what was revived when Megan was looking at Brad. She unconsciously believed that Megan was suffering the same pained fate as she had. But, she also knew how involved Brad was with Megan. Beth now understood that the anger triggered in her had to do with her own experiences and not Megan's.
Fathers also are subject to these displaced and disguised feelings. One mother (whose husband initially didn't want her to attend this group) told of her smooth adjustment to motherhood "with no problems." She had a delightful, engaging, even-tempered three month-old son. By the second meeting, however, she became very verbal about her difficulties with her husband since the birth of the baby. He was jealous of the child and seemed unwilling to help out or be involved. Her anger came tumbling out. It surprised her how upset she was with him. As her anger was contained, information about his infancy started to emerge. Her mother-in-law was quite direct about her disdain for infants, suggesting that her husband may have been treated with similar disdain as a baby. With support and ideas from the group she found some new ways of engaging him with the baby. She also initiated discussion with him about his feelings, which led to his greater understanding. It was touching and impressive to see the group members emphasizing with her husband's circumstance. He also became supportive of her attending group.
How is it that these early experiences can have such a grip on us? Part of the answer may lie in the primitiveness of these early-buried memories. According to Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence (page 22): "Since these earliest emoemotional memories are triggered in later life there is not a matching set of articulated thoughts about the responses that takes us over." So these baby pieces may remain unrecognized and unnamed until we become parents, and erupt back into our relationships, and experiences involved in raising an infant.
REFERENCES: Winnicott, D.W. (1987), Babies and Their Mothers. New York: Addison Wesley. Goleman, Daniel (1995), Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam Books.