What
I've Learned
Female Circumcision. Male Circumcision. Is There A Difference?
The Family Bed Defended
What Is The Truth?
Dial 1-800 Ansel Adams
Baby Watch
Never Again
Breastfeed A Toddler. Why On Earth?
1950's Advice For A Happy Marriage
What
I've Learned©
A note from the editor
Karen Squires
I got up early Sunday morning and went out onto the porch to get the June 2nd 2002 copy of The Salt Lake Tribune. I love to sit in the sun and read the paper before the rest of the family gets up. I came across an article titled African Girls Suing Parents Over Circumcision. The next day I received an email from The Compleat Mother Magazine saying that "The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) and the Juvenile Products Manufacturers Association (JPMA) is launching a mass-media National campaign aimed at 'reducing deaths associated with placing babies in adult beds.' "-The Compleat Mother magazine
I've decided to write about these two topics as they mean something to me. The circumcision article, because routine circumcision is unnecessary. And the family bed being attacked concerns me as I find it the safest way for babies and children to sleep.
Isn't it interesting how we change when we have children. None of those articles would have grabbed my attention a few years ago. I was fresh out of college and career bound. My thoughts were of how far could I make it in the design world. How much money could I make. Would I become a well known graphic designer or would I try to illustrate children's books, something I'd always dreamed of doing. If I picked up a newspaper it was to look at the job market. I may have even critiqued the design of the paper. (Don't critique the design of The Wise Mother though as I'm too busy doing the laundry to obsess anymore). Oh how my interests and my focus have changed. At that time my only son was 12 years old. Old enough for me to be able to think of my desires and wants. Something that is not as easy when the child is younger. Mother nature had a surprise in store for me because just as I was getting involved in moving my career forward and making some money after being a starving student for years, I became pregnant. I had been infertile for 16 years, my older son is adopted, so this was a big surprise. A happy one. My focus and my life now had to take another direction. I wanted to stay at home with my baby, a second son, and I had to think of how to do it. I decided to start this newsletter. That was 4 years ago.
I've changed a lot since my younger son was born. I'm not the same person I was when my older son, now 18 years, was small. I formula fed him, he slept in a crib in his own room, and he was circumcised. I tried to breastfeed him but I received such negative critisism that I gave up, something that makes me cringe to think about. I would never give up on something so important now. He was circumcised before I got him. Now I'd fight the adoption agency to keep him whole. And putting him in another room, in a crib, to sleep. Why did I do that? I often wonder. I wasn't following my instincts for one. I was doing what everybody else did. Now I make decisions based on my own feelings.
My second son shares the family bed, was breastfed until he weaned himself, and may be home schooled.
Sometimes I miss the old me though. The one that just went through life on a whim. I make myself tired sometimes thinking of every move I make. Is it good for my family? How is it affecting my children?
But how can I live any other way now that I've arrived here. There is no going back. I either move forward or stop growing. And in the best interests of those I love, I continue to learn.
So I'll write about my feelings regarding issues that are important to me. Maybe you'll agree, maybe you won't. Part of growing is reading, learning, sharing. I'm sharing with you some of what I've learned so far.
Female Circumcision. Male Circumcision:
Is There A Difference?©
by Karen Squires
"In looking at both Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) and Male Genital Mutilation (MGM), it appears that there is no equal protection under the law for male infants and boys under the equal protection clause of the 14th amendment of the U.S. Constitution. Illegal to perform FGM, fine to perform MGM. Yes, willful destruction of the primary male sex organ is unethical. Or is it much more than unethical?" -Ken Derifield of The Intact Network
In the June 2, 2002 issue of The Salt Lake Tribune there is an article titled African Girls Suing Parents Over Circumcision. As I read it, I wondered how many others reading the article were reacting the same way I was. Did they see the same similarities between female and male circumcision. Were they wondering how we can be so blind as to not see we do the same thing everyday here in the U.S. to our baby boys?
Over the years I've read news articles, magazine stories and watched television documentaries on circumcision rituals in other countries. The images show boys, 12 years old, or around that age, being held down, legs apart, crying, as they are circumcised. I would look at the expression on the boys face and just cringe. How could the adults do that? How could the parents allow that to happen? My instinct is to protect my children. If anybody held one of my sons down like that, with a knife in hand, I'd be on top of them, attacking, saving my child.
When I read about, and see images of girls being circumcised, I react the same way. Some parents want their sons circumcised. If they had a girl would they want her circumcised? Genital mutilation is genital mutilation, male or female. A rose is a rose is a rose. Is there a difference between female and male circumcision?
Is there is a difference between our male babies being circumcised, and the older boys being cut in other countries. Lets talk about it and we'll see they are not so different.
Circumcision in the U.S. was started at the end of the 1800's in a vain attempt to stop or lessen masturbation which was blamed for dozens of diseases with unknown origins at that time.* Tens of thousands of girls were also circumcised (removal of the clitoris) for the same "reason." This was also recommended and found in U.S medical journals as late as 1959.
The goal in circumcising boys was to reduce sexual feelings. This was accomplished by damaging the penis as much as possible, without jeopardizing procreation. Most of the sensuous nerve endings were removed, exposing the remaining near surface nerve endings for destruction over time, and removing the natural mobility of the penile skin system. Changing the fully functional, sensuous, and mobile male sex organ into a desensitized, dowel-like organ was the desired result. Male circumcision remained very limited in the U.S. until new excuses were invented in the 1930's and 1940's.
In female circumcision, the goal is to ensure chastity by eliminating the girls' sex drive by removing the sensuous nerve endings in her external genitalia. The most common form of female circumcision is the removal of the entire clitoris, including the unseen shaft or root, creating a deep hole where the organ was located, and cutting away the labia minora (inner labia). The male foreskin is analogous to the female foreskin (clitoral hood) and labia minora. The loss of sensuous nerve endings and motion to the penis penile mobility is quite similar to this form of female circumcision. In some cultures one of the labia majora (outer labia) is also removed, the other outer labia is stretched over the wound, sewn, and holes punched through the now hidden female external genitalia for the passage of urine and menses. This is called infibulation.
Some girls have bled to death, died of infections or other complications. Some of our boys have bled to death, died of infections, gastric rupture or other complications. Damage is created in both cases.
Female circumcision is a custom. Circumcision of our baby boys is a custom. The American Academy of Pediatrics policy on circumcision concluded by saying "however, that it is legitimate for parents to take into account cultural, religious and ethnic traditions..." I disagree. In countries where girls are circumcised because of those reasons we shudder at the thought and consider the practice barbaric, so why is it okay to take those into consideration here.
Kenya has outlawed female circumcision. Anyone who circumcises a girl under age 18 years old can be fined $650 and may spend a year in prison.
This practice is obviously being carried out against the wishes of the girl. Why would anybody want that done to them? I would never agree to it being performed on me or my child. Would you? When we allow our baby boys to be circumcised should we be fined? After all, the baby is too young to be asked for their permission. If we waited until our sons were older and asked them if they wanted to be circumcised, what do you think they'd say? It's their body, not ours. The older boys we see are held down against their wishes. Our baby boys are strapped down on a board, their legs apart. They can't move. They are helpless.
When older boys and girls are circumcised it is often done without anesthesia or medication to ease the pain. Until recently our baby boys were not offered pain medication either. The pain is so intense that enough pain medication cannot be injected. Even a little Prilocaine or Lidocaine (and EMLA cream) given to an infant can result in nerve damage, brain damage or death (Canadian Nurse, Aug. 1994). Even now some Dr's perform the procedure without pain medication. If the baby does receive medication it is only during the procedure, and does not eliminate all the pain. The pain persists for days, and any friction, contact with urine and normal erections are painful for weeks. The baby gets nothing during the healing time.
Some believe there are medical reasons to circumcise our babies. There are none, not one single reason to routinely circumcise girls or boys, of any age. Today there is not one medical association in the entire world that recommends circumcision.
For every 100 circumcised males in the world there are 21 circumcised females. Routine circumcision is unethical to say the least, whether it's a girl, an older boy, or a baby. So before we all gasp in horror at what is going on over seas maybe we should look at what we are doing right here in our own country.
*A university of Chicago study (Journal of the American Medical Association) Found that males who are circumcised masturbate more often than intact males. More friction is necessary to excite the few remaining deep nerve endings of the desensitized penis. So much for that initial "reason." Like the masturbation myth, the later excuses have all been found to be false.
Find out more about circumcision by reading Complete, As Nature Intended. Available FREE via the internet in a pdf file. You'll need Acrobat Reader® to view this file. Acrobat Reader® is available free on the internet. Please email us for this pdf file and we'll email it to you. If you need a booklet please send $3.00 plus $1 S+H to: The Wise Mother, 1905 West 4700 South #402 SLC, Utah 84118
My deepest thanks to Ken
Derifield of The Intact Network for contributing to this article. He can be
reached at the following address; The Intact Network, 703 E. Walnut St. Washington,
IN 47501
e-mail intacnet@dmrtc.net
FREE ARTICLE: You are free to publish this article on websites and print publications. You can also email it to friends and/or associates. We just ask that you include this information with the article and let us know where you published it. This article first appeared in The Wise Mother magazine, published in Salt Lake City, Utah. http://www.motherchronicle.com email karensquires1@msn.com
by Karen Squires
"The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) and the Juvenile Products Manufacturers Association (JPMA) is launching a mass-media national campaign aimed at 'reducing deaths associated with placing babies in adult beds."-The Compleat Mother magazine
I received this information in an email from The Compleat Mother Magazine. I have a burning question about their campaign. The CPSC is there to warn us about product safety, not family practices. I wonder why they are concerned with my families sleeping arrangements.
Wouldn't it be nice if their focus was to help make the family bed a safer place, and not about scaring parents into buying cribs. But that's not their goal.
The CPSC sited an average of 64 deaths per year of babies in adult beds. From this they decided to tell parents to avoid having the baby sleep in their bed. How many children die in car crashes every year? Why aren't they warning us to keep our children out of cars? They aren't. We are warned to use car seats, and taught to use them properly. Why not teach parents who want to have their children in bed with them how to do it safely?
The family bed is the practice of having babies/children sleeping in the same bed as their parents. We have a family bed ourselves. It wasn't something that I planned on when our youngest child was born. It wasn't something I'd even heard of. Not as something people actually wanted anyway. When I did hear of it it was when parents who were too tired to handle a child who didn't want to sleep alone, gave up and let the baby/child sleep with them. I wish I had been so smart.
Our older son had slept in a room by himself from 6 weeks on. I felt so overwhelmed by his needs during that day that I needed to be alone during the night to recoup. Looking back, I can see that I was a new mother who needed some help from family, friends, anybody in fact, to reduce my stress level. The answer then of course did not lie in needing to put my 6 week old in another room at night, but in getting more help during the day, or the night, to help me deal with motherhood better.
I was not following my instincts to have him near me at night, as I would wake up in the morning and upon not hearing him cry right away, would assume that he had succumb to SIDS during the night. One such morning I lay in bed for about 20 minutes, terrified to go and check on him. I was sure he had died and I was trying to put off going through the horror of actually knowing that it had happened. He eventually began to cry and I was incredibly relieved.
After he turned 12 months I started to relax about SIDS, but then the fear that he would be kidnapped out of his crib during the night started to creep in. I would check all the windows and doors before going to bed at night in my attempt to guarantee his safety until morning when I could have him safely in my arms again.
Believe it or not it didn't occur to me to ignore the pressures from society to push him away at night, and take him in my arms and keep him by my side.
When my second son was born I was older and wiser. I was less likely to be affected by what the crowd was doing. I came home from the hospital with my newborn son, still not aware of the family bed concept. I had a crib, a very expensive mattress, cute sheets, blankets and bumpers to match.
I held him almost constantly for the first 2-3 days as relatives and friends dropped by to see my new baby. During one such visit I became overwhelmed and tired from all the visitors and decided to retire to the bedroom. I lay my new sleeping son in his fancy crib and started to walk toward my bed for a much needed nap. I hadn't even made it three steps when he woke up crying. I went back to him, picked him up and started to rock him gently as I sang him a song. He was asleep in seconds. Again I lay him down in his crib. Again he awoke a few seconds later. This happened again and again. Over the next few days I grew more and more tired as I only managed to grab a few minutes sleep here and there. One day I was so desperate for sleep that I lay down in my bed with him, too tired to stand any longer. I made the bed safe for him, and fell asleep almost instantly. I woke up 2 hours later, the most amount of sleep I'd had in over a week. My baby was starting to stir, he was hungry, and this no doubt had awakened me. This was my first experience with the family bed. He has been in my bed every night since, over five years now.
I didn't immediately accept the family bed as a good thing. I did it because if I was to survive, I had to sleep. I couldn't leave him screaming for me, ignoring his cries. It would have broken my heart.
The first year was the hardest. I had family telling me to get him out of my bed. That I would suffocate him, roll on him, he'd roll off the bed. On and on went the warnings. But I knew he needed me close, and as a bonus I was not waking up in the morning wondering if he was alive. I could see that SIDS had not taken him, and no stranger was going to get into my bed, steal my baby, and leave without me hearing something. I was content being close to him and he was content being close to me.
It's instinct for a mother and baby to be near each other. Mother nature intended it that way to ensure the babe survives. Can you imagine a mother a million years ago leaving her baby in another part of the cave to sleep? The child would probably die from the cold, or get eaten by a predator. We don't live in caves now but human instinct has not changed. Our babies don't know what year it is, what century we live in. Nor do they care. All they know is that they need their mother and as mothers we should not ignore their needs.
Maria Montessori said that "If you want to understand the needs of the child, observe and study the child." It isn't hard to realize that your child needs you at night as well as during the day. How confusing to a child to be hugged and kissed, have their needs and wants attended to during the day, only to be pushed away at night. Your child's cries, nightmares, and fears of the dark are reminders that they are not meant to be left alone. When a child is left to "cry it out" in their own bed the parent may assume that the child has leaned to sleep alone. What the child has really learned is that their cries were not answered. Their needs not met. And what appears to be a well adjusted child sleeping in their own bed may be a child that has learned not to ask for help.
Some parents fear the child will never choose to leave the family bed and sleep on their own. Should we never carry our babies for fear they will never walk? Shall we put them on the potty at birth for fear they'll never outgrow diapers, or should we even skip the potty for fear they'll never use toilet? Children grow up and leave soon enough. Why do we feel the need to push them out. "Society has taken away the right of a baby to be dependent on it's mother." (The Family Bed by Tine Thevenin)
But what about safety? It is important to keep babies safe. The CPSC sites strangulation and suffocation as reasons for keeping babies out of adult beds. They didn't however, mention how many babies died from this same cause in cribs during the same time frame.
How do parents have a safe family bed? Keep pillows and thick blankets off the bed. 15 of the deaths sited by the CPSC were caused by blankets and pillows. This same danger exists in a crib. Make sure the baby can't slip between the mattress and the wall. Keep all furniture like bedside tables away from the bed so that if the child rolls off the bed he/she can't get lodged between the bed and furniture. Check headboards and footboards for safety. If there are bars make sure that the child can't get their head stuck between them. Check that the mattress fits the frame well and that it fits tightly with the headboard and footboard. Don't take drugs, even some over the counter drugs can make you less aware of baby. Don't drink alcohol. If the bed is against the wall make sure it is firmly against the wall. Babies can fall between them and suffocate. I check the bed is tight against the wall every night, without fail. And never take a baby or child to bed with you if you sleep in a water bed or have a feather bed. Don't sleep with babies or small children on couches or sofa beds either.
Many children have died in cribs."There are no statistics comparing the number of SIDS deaths that occurred in bed vs. the number that occurred in the crib. Until those statistics are known, the CPSC should not tell parents not to sleep with their babies," -Dr. William Sears.
It unlikely that a parent will roll over a baby and smother it unless the parent is using drugs, alcohol, or is in some way unable to arouse from sleep normally. Babies have built in alarm systems that arouses them if their air is reduced. Have you ever had a baby out on a windy day. The young baby panics quickly when the wind blows in their face and they can't breath. A baby that is choking will also react alarmingly. If you happened to roll on your baby, you would be awaken by a startled baby, instinct having kicked in, crying from the discomfort. Another reason it's unlikely you'll roll over your baby. Adults sleep in beds without rails. Do we fall off the bed? I don't. You have the same ability to stay off your baby.
At the risk of sounding sexist I'll say that I believe mothers, in many cases, are more aware of baby at night than fathers. Mother nature has it that mothers do most of the baby care while fathers hunt for food. We had our baby sleep between me and the wall and daddy slept on the outer edge.
Dr William Sears insists that it's far safer for babies to sleep with their parents that not to. Crib-related death takes more babies each year than deaths caused by the family bed. Family bed deaths are an average of 64 per year while crib-related deaths takes about 2500.
I wonder why the CPSC and JPMA are not interested in making the family bed a safe environment. I wonder why those two organizations have teamed up in the first place. Could it be to get us to buy more cribs? I hope not. The JPMA is a multimillion dollar industry that stands to profit from scared parent running out and buying cribs.
How accurate is the data that the CPSC is using to support their claim that the family bed is unsafe? "There is disturbing advertisement evidence that the information upon which these definitive claims are made is incomplete, unreliable and misguided. The CPSCs data was collected from death certificates, coroner's reports and other anecdotal sources. Circumstances surrounding the deaths, such as parental intoxication, are not recorded in these records. In addition, the determination of the cause of death is often subjective and is not always consistent even in comparable situations. In many areas of the country, infants who may have died from SIDS or other physical ailments in the parental bed are often recorded as cases of overlying."-iVillage/ParentsPlace.com
I want the CPSC to do an unbiased report of the different kinds of sleeping arrangements available. And they need to do it independently of JPMA. Parents don't need to be scared into spending money on a crib. They need to know that they can trust the reports of the CPSC.
If you want to practice the family bed, make it a safe environment and enjoy the company of your babies. If you don't feel comfortable with it then get a safe bed for your baby and put it close to your bed.
Remember to follow your instincts, be safe, and enjoy your children.
FREE ARTICLE: You are free to publish this article on websites and print publications. You can also email it to friends and/or associates. We just ask that you include this information with the article and let us know where you published it. This article first appeared in The Wise Mother magazine, published in Salt Lake City, Utah. http://www.motherchronicle.com email karensquires1@msn.com
by Dawni Angel
I was at the gym yesterday, doing my crunches, when I had "a moment." It was one of those defining moments in life that let us see how far we've come in our journey. What happened was this; all of the sudden I realized that I was completely comfortable in my own skin. I felt myself in my entirety, and I was whole. I stopped exercising for a minute and reveled in what was happening. I was experiencing me, and I loved it! This, I thought, is how I want to feel all the time. This is the truth.
My early childhood was filled with contradiction. On the one hand I was a very joyful child, running and playing, learning and laughing. I remember feeling great moments of happiness and freedom. On the other hand there was the fact that my sister and I were being sexually abused by our father, and I remember experiencing great fear and pain. I told my mother what was happening when I was two years old, but she chose not to believe me. He continued to abuse us for three more years until my mother caught him in the act and banished him from our lives. When I was six years old my mom married a wonderful man who has now been my dad for 27 years. They had five children together, and we had a beautiful, fulfilling life as a family of nine. My life from that point on was fairly stable and happy, but I could not seem to escape the traumatic events of my early childhood.
As I started dating as a teenager I really began to see the affects of the sexual abuse. I couldn't stand being touched by boys, and was teased about being "frigid." I had a deep contempt for men that came from my core belief that "Men are weak." We all have core beliefs that we hold, usually subconsciously, that determine how we react in certain situations. I, like many others, chose a spouse from this subconscious place of damage. I married someone who had a very low sex drive, and basically didn't "creep me out." Often we are attracted to people because of the damage we experience as children. I believe this unconscious method of choosing someone to marry is one of the major reasons there are so many divorces in our society.
It turned out that the man I married had a low sex drive because he suffered from clinical depression and anxiety. My life quickly became very difficult as I struggled with raising small children while living with someone who was completely miserable all of the time. I was determined to make my marriage work, so I borrowed textbooks from my friend who was getting her degree in psychology. I would spend late nights reading through these thick books trying to diagnose my husband's problem so I could get him the help he so desperately needed. He finally agreed to go to a psychiatrist who spoke of chemical imbalances, and immediately put him on medication. For the next few years my husband tried varying doses of several different medications with disappointing results. His main complaint was that these medications made him feel like "a zombie." We ended up divorcing, and I felt that this was tragic. Yet another broken home to add to the statistics.
I had a difficult time after my divorce, particularly dealing with feelings of failure. I began having a hard time eating which frightened me because I had struggled with anorexia in the past. One night my sister called me on the phone crying because her husband's best friend was in a coma. He had been going through a painful divorce and had stopped eating or drinking. His body shut down as his organs began to fail and he died soon after. This terrified me! I made a firm commitment to heal no matter how ugly or painful the process was. I immediately phoned a therapist and made an appointment I was going to therapy, and really trying to feel better, but I continually asked myself the questions, "Did it have to turn out this way?" Did my marriage have to end in divorce? Do people just have to accept the fact that they aren't happy? As I studied and read and pondered I realized that the answer was an emphatic NO! There is another way to think, to live, to function. What about people who suffer from chemical imbalances? A radical idea occurred to me. What if it is not our chemistry that determines our thoughts, but our thoughts that determine our chemistry? What if years of negative thinking and emotional pain cause the actual "imbalance"? I do not claim to have the all the answers for depression and anxiety, and I realize that many struggle with these illnesses. I just have a deep belief that people can heal and feel great happiness in their every day lives.
Many of you have heard the concept that everything we think, say, or do is based on either love or fear. I was fascinated by this theory, and began experimenting with changing my thoughts. Common sense told me that my positive thoughts were coming from a place of love, my negative thoughts from fear. As I began changing the way I was thinking I noticed an immediate and drastic difference in the level of joy I was experiencing on a daily basis. When I tell you what I did it will seem very simplistic and you may doubt its effectiveness. All I know is that it has not only worked for me, but for many people I have introduced to this way of thinking.
I read a book where the author suggested going on a "Seven Day Mental Diet." For seven consecutive days you cannot think or say anything negative. I tried this, but kept faltering until I came up with the following method of changing my thoughts. The first thing I had to understand was that my thoughts control my feelings, not the other way around. In order for me to "reprogram" my brain, which is what I was trying to do, I had to be continually conscious of my thoughts and feelings. It was usually the negative feeling that I noticed first, so then I would try to figure out the thought that had triggered the emotion, and replace it with a positive one. I call this "POSITIVE THOUGHT REPLACEMENT." The process goes something like this.......I'm driving in my car and I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of an old boyfriend. I immediately begin feeling anxiety, so I consciously pinpoint the thought and say it out loud. For example, "I am feeling anxious because that break-up left me feeling like I am not worthy of love." Here is the crucial point in all of this. You ask yourself the question, "WHAT IS THE TRUTH?" This is what I call the magical question, because it will set you free! The truth in this instance is that of course I am worthy of love. I AM love! So I would say (out loud if possible ) "I am very lovable. I give and receive love joyfully." I would repeat this affirmation until my feelings started to shift. This is a process I repeated hundreds of times a day. That's all I did. I replaced the lies with the truth. The beauty of this is that our spirits crave the truth. It is much easier to believe the truth than a lie. It is all of the lies we believe that destroy us. It is the lies that give us headaches, and cause us to yell at our children, and make us feel less than whole. I will tell you the truth right now. You are beautiful, and loving and complete. You are talented and capable and amazing. You came here to experience yourself as you really are.....pure joy! When you read these words let yourself feel the truth of them and delight in it.
The question "What is the truth?" has changed my life. The truth is that my father was abused himself as a child and he is mentally ill. He deserves my compassion. The truth is that my mother did the very best she could at the time and has spent the last 27 years trying to make up for her mistake. The truth is that my childhood was a gift. It has led me to a point where I can now help others heal. It was the best childhood for me. The truth is that as I heal there are no scars, just the perfection of me. What else could I possibly ask for?
Dawni is a single mother of three young children who works as a freelance photographer and a life coach. She can be reached at 651-5742 to schedule life coaching sessions or speaking engagements. View her photography at http://photos.yahoo.com/dawniangel
by Karen Squires
In the last issue of The Wise Mother I said that I needed to get my camera out and take pictures of the sunrise as I went for my morning walk. I still haven't done it but I did accomplish something. We went to Lava Hot Springs Inn for a few days and I took my camera along. I bought black and white film at Target before I left, the best price I could find, and packed my dusty, but "still works great" Pentax in the car. The drive to Lava is about three hours from Salt Lake and I used my time wisely by daydreaming about how fantastic my pictures would turn out. I'd discover my hidden talent as a photographer and go on to have a successful and rewarding(famous) career. I couldn't wait to get there and start shooting.
We arrived safely, unpacked the car, and Russ(Hubby) and Keaton(son) went swimming. I grabbed my camera, loaded the film, and headed outside. I tried to compose the shots in that I made sure I wasn't cutting off any heads. I tried to "move in" on my subjects just like the instruction book suggested. People were watching me. I felt important. I'd tell Russ to move this way or that. I tell Keaton to do something cute. I was having a ball. Two days later the film was used up and I could hardly wait to get back into town and have it developed.
I went to Target as soon as we got back and handed in my film. They assured me that their processor could develop black and white film and it did(only C-41). It cost under $10 for double proofs. I took my prints, paid the cashier, and practically ran out to my car to see the pictures. Of course I was a little disappointed as they weren't as good as I have conjured up in my daydreams, but they weren't too bad. The one I like the best is of Keaton on a float with his tongue sticking out.
In my attempt at humor I was going to put under the picture that you could vote on it by dialing 1-800-Ansel Adams. But then a long, almost gone, memory creeped into my head. It was many years ago and I was on a date. The guy was real exciting to be around(I'm being facetious) and his idea of fun was to barbeque hamburgers on his patio and watch The Simpsons. We were sitting on his couch watching Bart, and a phone number flashes across the screen. The number is part of the show. Hamburger guy jumps up, runs across the room, and picks up the phone. He looks at the number on the screen and dials it. I watch with intense curiosity. What in the world is he doing? I ask him, "Sweetie, what are you doing?" He answers, "Calling that number." I say, "But it's a cartoon. The number is not meant to be called, it's fake." He replies, "I bet they want you to call it." He hangs on to the receiver tightly, knuckles turning white, eyes dashing quickly from side to side as he prays somebody will answer the phone,....and tell him exactly what, I wonder?
He hangs up after a minute to two, obviously feeling defeated, comes over to the couch and plops down hard. I look at him, not sure whether to laugh or break up with him.
He goes outside to check on the hamburgers. He grabs the hamburger flippy thing and flips the hamburgers rather roughly. I go the kitchen and start making up some buns with ketchup, mustard, tomatoes. He comes back in and walks quickly to the phone. He hits redial. The phone flies up to his ear and he starts the white knuckle, eyes dashing routine again. I stop what I'm doing and watch him. Maybe I should leave now, without finishing the buns, before he decides in his frustration to strangle me with the phone cord. But I'm frozen in curiosity, mingled with fear.
After what seems like an eternity he hangs up again, slamming the phone down hard enough to make me jump. He storms out onto the patio and takes his frustration out on the hamburgers again, this time dropping one on the ground. I make a mental note of which one he drops and where he places it back on the grill to make sure that he eats it, not me. I sit down on the couch and watch him pace the floor. I haven't know this guy too long, maybe a few weeks, and this is freaking me out
He calms down after a while and starts acting normal. He explains that the shows' producers put phone numbers on the screen deliberately to get people to call it. I want to ask him if that were the case why didn't somebody answer. But he was bringing the hamburgers in off the grill and I was concentrating on which burger I was going to feed him.
He tried the phone number a few more times and it was busy each time. Maybe somebody else out there in tv land was calling it too. Or maybe the person on the other end took the phone off the hook to stop it from ringing.
I ate my hamburger, made an excuse to go home, and never dated him again. I heard through the grape vine that he had told people he had broken up with me because I was weird.
So you can see why I'll skip the humor and not put under the photo to call 1-800-Ansel Adams. Not that I think any of you are strange enough to do it, but I'll play it safe just in case that guy picks up a copy of this issue and decides to dial it.
FREE ARTICLE: You are free to publish this article on websites and print publications. You can also email it to friends and/or associates. We just ask that you include this information with the article and let us know where you published it. This article first appeared in The Wise Mother magazine, published in Salt Lake City, Utah. http://www.motherchronicle.com email karensquires1@msn.com
Recently a great deal of attention has been paid to the importance of a baby's first three years life. Articles about brain development and the importance of strong attachment and nurturing abound. What does this mean to the new mother just home from the hospital? On her own with concerns about her baby, where does a new mother turn for answers?
In this electronic age the Internet can serve as a good resource. Up to date information on the first three years of life can be found at http://www.zerotothree.org This site includes parent information on "The Magic of Everyday Moments" that explains many of the rich opportunities to encourage the development of an infant during the normal routine of the day. For those who want to know more about the recent research on brain development "Brain Wonders' provides information about how rapidly babies' brains grow and how mothers can influence all areas of their baby's development. Zero To Three is the nation's leading resource on the first three years of life.
Locally, mothers who may have a more specific concern about how their infant is progressing can visit the Baby Watch web site at http://www.utahbabywatch.org Here you will find information on early intervention services in Utah and the phone number of an Early Intervention Program in your area.
Often mothers just need to talk with other mothers. Utahkids@yahoogroups.com is a listserve developed by parents of children with disabilities. Sometimes just hearing another parent's story can let you know you're not alone.
For more information on Early Intervention Services call Baby Watch at 1-800-961-4226
by Laine Holman
"I never want to go through that again!"
So many women who have endured a nightmarish birth have uttered these words. And many of them keep their word. Others go into subsequent pregnancies terrified. Studies have shown that cesarean results in increased infertility, both planned and unplanned. Some woman are unable to conceive again though they would like to due to damage, and many others take permanent steps toward insuring that they will never again become pregnant.
It must be understood that these women are usually the ones who have been through the most traumatic sorts of births. Long labors augmented with medications that made their pain worse, and drugs that did not relieve their pain stripped them of every resource. Many ended in a cesarean, hemorrhage, or a lost or damaged baby. These heroic ladies drew upon all emotional reserves and emptied themselves of strength. These women have been through a living hell. It is no wonder they never want to do it again.
There can be a few problems, though. Some may have a partner that wanted more children and cannot fully understand the woman's reasons for not enduring another birth. At a time when she needs support and unconditional love, her partner may not be at all supportive of her feelings. After all, he wants more children. If the situation were reversed, how might she feel in his shoes? The strain on a relationship where there is not an agreement on this matter has often ultimately brought that relationship to a close.
If the birth ended in the loss of a child, the pain can be particularly devastating. How could you go through that risk again? No one can know what you have lost, and the thought of loosing another child might be beyond your ability to consider. Though it is almost certain not to happen again, you may choose not to chance it.
Solutions are available to deal with this dilemma, but there is no quick fix. Ultimately it may boil down to a wound that has not healed on some level. That healing takes love, time and patience. Even if she never chooses to have another child, giving space, time and love for that healing to take place can give her back much of what was lost during that difficult birth. Ultimately her healing will benefit the entire family.
What matters? You loved each other enough to begin the union which brought you together in commitment and brought a child into your lives. Care for and love each other, and hold on to what you have. In a case where after serious and heartfelt thought has been given to the issue, a couple decides not to have more children, there can still be joy in growing together as a family, no matter how small.
If you did want more children before this birth, and changed your mind because of it, keep a space open in your heart for the possibility. You are stronger than you know, and the greatest battles and challenges presented in a subsequent pregnancy and birth are usually the ones in your own mind and heart. Seek healing, and in that healing you may find a different answer than you had first imagined. Regardless of weather you ever choose to have another child, you owe it to yourself to become whole again.
For some who wish to have a larger family, adoption has become the answer that blesses a family with a child and protects a mother from the terror she feels. For a blended family, where the traumatic birth came prior to her current relationship, the mother's partner may not have any biological children of his own. In the event you determine pregnancy to be out of the question, surrogacy may offer a solution. The child could even be conceived of the genetic material of both parents, though not carried by the mother.
What ever your long term decision on this matter, try not to do anything permanent to end your reproductive ability for at least a few years. Once done, getting it "undone" if a change of heart comes later on down the road may not be successful and may lead to further heart ache and even guilt. One never knows what the future may hold, and healing can come in surprising and subtle ways. You are a different person today than you were 5 years ago, and the same will hold true for the future you.
If an unwanted pregnancy does occur, please know that each pregnancy, as each child, is different. No two labors are the same. You do not need to go through the same birth as before. In reality, you can't. Taking charge of your birth is really the first and best step. In all that you do leading up to the birth, forge a new path by not making the same choices as before. Don't attach yourself to the same caregivers and institution as before if you felt your care was compromised. Even if you "love your doctor", consider the possibility that they may not have handled your birth in the best way due to circumstances of which you are totally unaware. The very act of returning to the same doctor may cause you stress as the familiarity of the situation becomes like reliving the previous pregnancy and birth. Care for your health, take swimming, yoga, or some other regular classes. Do not give in to self defeating thought and despair. Find out what about your birth you didn't like, why it happened, and how you can avoid it next time.
What ever your decision, you may wish to have gentle guidance through this difficult and emotional time in the form of counseling, be it therapeutic or religious. Seek out experienced providers who can help you identify what means most to you and what will ultimately be the best for you and you entire family, while also giving space and attention to healing the pain of you past. http://www.victoriousbirth.com/
Breastfeed A Toddler - Why On Earth?
by Jack
Newman, MD, FRCPC
May be copied and distributed without further permission.
Because more and more women are now breastfeeding their babies, more and more are also finding that they enjoy breastfeeding enough to want to continue longer than the usual few months they initially thought they would. UNICEF has long encouraged breastfeeding for two years and longer, and the American Academy of Pediatrics is now on record as encouraging mothers to nurse at least one year and as long after as both mother and baby desire. Even the Canadian Paediatric Society, in its latest feeding statement acknowledges that women may want to breastfeed for two years or longer. Breastfeeding to 3 and 4 years of age has been common in much of the world until recently, and it is still common in many societies for toddlers to breastfeed.
Why should breastfeeding
continue past six months?
Because mothers and babies often enjoy breastfeeding a lot. Why stop an
enjoyable relationship?
But it is said that
breastmilk has no value after six months.
Perhaps this is said, but it is wrong. That anyone can say such a thing only
shows how ignorant so many people in our society are about breastfeeding. Breastmilk
is, after all, milk. Even after six months, it still contains protein, fat,
and other nutritionally important and appropriate elements which babies and
children need. Breastmilk still contains immunologic factors that help protect
the baby. In fact, some immune factors in breastmilk that protect the baby against
infection are present in greater amounts in the second year of life than in
the first. This is, of course as it should be, since children older than a year
are generally exposed to more infection. Breastmilk still contains factors that
help the immune system to mature, and which help the brain, gut, and other organs
to develop and mature.
It has been well shown that children in daycare who are still breastfeeding have far fewer and less severe infections than the children who are not breastfeeding. The mother thus loses less work time if she continues nursing her baby once she is back at her paid work.
It is interesting that formula company marketing pushes the use of formula (a rather imperfect copy of the real thing) for a year, yet implies that breastmilk (from which the imperfect copy is copied) is only worthwhile for 6 months or even less than "the best nutrition for newborns." Too many health professionals have taken up the refrain.
I have heard that the
immunologic factors in breastmilk prevent the baby from developing his own immunity
if I breastfeed past six months.
This is untrue; in fact, this is absurd. It is unbelievable how so many people
in our society twist around the advantages of breastfeeding and turn them into
disadvantages. We give babies immunizations so that they are able to defend
themselves against the real infection. Breastmilk also allows the baby to be
fight off infections. When the baby fights off these infections, he becomes
immune. Naturally.
But I want my baby to
become independent.
And breastfeeding makes the toddler dependent? Don't believe it. The child who
breastfeeds until he weans himself (usually from 2 to 4 years), is generally
more independent, and, perhaps more importantly, more secure in his independence.
He has received comfort and security from the breast, until he is ready to make
the step himself to stop. And when he makes that step himself, he knows he has
achieved something, he knows he has moved ahead. It is a milestone in his life.
Often we push children to become "independent" too quickly. To sleep alone too soon, to wean from the breast too soon, to do without their parents too soon, to do everything too soon. Don't push and the child will become independent soon enough. What's the rush? Soon they will be leaving home. You want them to leave home at 14? Of course, breastfeeding can, in some situations, be used to foster an overdependent relationship. But so can food and toilet training. The problem is not the breastfeeding. This is another issue.
What else?
Possibly the most important aspect of nursing a toddler is not the nutritional
or immunologic benefits, important as they are. I believe the most important
aspect of nursing a toddler is the special relationship between child and mother.
Breastfeeding is a life affirming act of love. This continues when the baby
becomes a toddler. Anyone without prejudices, who has ever observed an older
baby or toddler nursing can testify that there is something almost magical,
something special, something far beyond food going on. A toddler will sometimes
spontaneously, for no obvious reason, break into laughter while he is nursing.
His delight in the breast goes far beyond a source of food. And if the mother
allows herself, breastfeeding becomes a source of delight for her as well, far
beyond the pleasure of providing food. Of course, it's not always great, but
what is? But when it is, it makes it all so worthwhile.
And if the child does become ill or does get hurt (and they do as they meet other children and become more daring), what easier way to comfort the child than breastfeeding? I remember nights in the emergency department when mothers would walk their ill, non nursing babies or toddlers up and down the halls trying, often unsuccessfully, to console them, while the nursing mothers were sitting quietly with their comforted, if not necessarily happy, babies at the breast. The mother comforts the sick child with breastfeeding, and the child comforts the mother by breastfeeding.
1950's
Advice For A Happy Marriage?
(And 2002 Advice
for a Divorce)
The following is a clip from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.
Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal-on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax--unwind.
Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time Let him talk first.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit."