Mother Chronicle

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Karen Squires
Mother Chronicle

 

Single Mother of Boys
Written By Laurie Keane

As a single mother who is raising four boys I have thought a lot about not having a man in the house as a role model. Woman tend to be nurturers and caretakers and both little boys and girls are blessed when they have nurturing and are given love despite whether a man or a woman gives it to them.

However boys will be boys. They usually grow to be rough and rambunctious. Often they need a firm reminder of how to behave in the presence of girls but an equally firm advisor to help them understand how to behave in the presence of other boys, teenage boys or even men. I had wondered when my oldest was still just a toddler if I would be able to provide him with what he needed since his father lived a distance away he and his brothers were my sole responsibility. Would I be athletic enough, strong enough, understand the need of a boy since I, a woman, who grew up without a father herself and with no brothers, only had past broken relationships with men and very few real male friends to gain experience from?

Playing with cars and throwing a ball around in the yard seemed to suffice. My oldest son and the one that followed two years younger naturally grew to like sports and I realized with or without me they would master their own desires in whatever games they chose and be able to hold their own.

Was it my mothering direction and nurturing that gave them that confidence despite the lack of a male role model? Could it be my lectures and stories I read to them as a child about being happy with doing their best despite appearances and being true to themselves despite what others thought? How would it have differed if their father was in their lives between the ages of two and seven? Would they have more pressure on themselves to be the best at what they did because the best is what gets recognized and not because they should just be happy with what they could accomplish? Would the competitive nature between the two of them be more aggressive and would a deepened jealousy be more apparent if they were trying to get a males approval? Especially a male like their dad who was by far a very advanced athlete with a an arrogance about his talents and abilities that surpassed the ideal of a macho man.

My first two sons seemed to conform nicely to the stereotype of boys being boys and it lead me to think I did my job well. However, my third was a bit different. The youngest two did have a different father but were still being brought up in the same house as their older siblings with a single mom. How much would genetics play in all this? Would the fact that my youngest children's dad, although less athletic than their older brothers father but a present force in their lives affect their behavior differently? Well, this question posed itself in my conscious many times. My third son ended up being quite different.than his older brothers. Not very athletic at all and a late bloomer in general. Much slower with popularity then the older two and not as quick on his feet or with his tongue. I began to notice that my own prejudices existed about what boys should or shouldn't be like. It wasn't anything particular my third was doing, but it was what he wasn't doing. He didn't like loud games or rough play, he preferred to watch television and be inside. Even as a toddler cars were never an interest and a ball was fun for a few minutes but nothing to get carried away about. Little trinkets or items he carried around in his pockets were more important and spending time with his father who was also not as manly as most macho men was his preference. I began to assume more of a masculine role with him. Encouraging him to play sports more, trying to teach him to be more tough and stand up for him self. Not to be overly sensitive when he doesn't get his way or loses a game or is under pressure. I mean, after all he is a boy and would grow to be a man. Was it just the fact he lacked athletic ability or wasn't as anxious to get down and dirty as my other two or fight for what he wanted?

By the time my youngest was born my two oldest lived part time with myself and with their dad. They were now getting the actual male role modeling from their father that hadn't been their prior. At the same time my other two became more distant from their father due to his work. How did this affect the family dynamic? Well, I really don't know. My youngest has turned out to be more athletic and advanced than all my children and the first one to speak up, get up or do whatever first, just because. The oldest two have carried on being themselves with a bit more arrogance and less appreciation of the little things. My third, he's beautiful. Just a really sweet boy who likes art, playing with sentimental trinkets and spending time alone. Why I ask? I really don't know. I'm the mother to all four and both as a parent and woman I just remain thankful that at least four males in my life are growing closer to me each day and although I don't understand them fully, I love them unconditionally and I'm no longer worried about what they may be, but who they are.