When Your
Child's Pet Dies
by Karen
Squires
A few weeks ago the topic of The Wise Mother ezine was Talking To Your Children About Sex. I said that I had used our two pet rats to tell my six year old about the birds and the bees. One of those rats was called Rabbit (remember she got her name when Keaton, 6 years old, had upon first seeing her said "Is that a teeny Rabbit?). Sadly Rabbit died on Wednesday. She was 2.5 years old which is a good long life for a rat as they usually live about 1.5 - 3 years.
She had become ill about a week earlier and I thought she would not live through the night. I had called Keaton over to see her. He could tell that she was feeling sick as she was laying on her side and not moving very much. He asked what was wrong with her and I explained that Rabbit was old and would probably die soon. He asked what dying was and that began one of life's most difficult lessons and one that we as parents don't like to see our child learn as our child is usually grieving.
I tried to explain to Keaton what dying was. I told him that Rabbit would go to a wonderful place where she could run around not hurting anymore. That she would not live in a cage, but would be free to roam as she pleased, and that she could play with her mother and father and other rats. For a 6 year old death is hard to understand and he lost interest. He just wanted to know why Rabbit was not coming over to the edge of the cage to see him. I was frustrated at my inability to help him understand something that is difficult for even me to grasp at 40.
The next morning Rabbit was still alive. She was still ill but she had improved during the night and was up and roaming around her cage. We all took turns holding and loving her over the course of the next week. Keaton asked repeatedly when she was going to die and I regretted bringing it up so soon as I was afraid that I had succeeded in dragging out the painful process of waiting for Rabbit to die. I sensed that he may have wanted Rabbit to die so he could stop worrying and wondering. I could understand how he felt but I realized that Rabbit would be gone forever and I think he thought that if she died she would still be with us, just not sick any longer.
She was still the same after another week and I began to wonder if she could be helped by the vet so I made an appointment and took her in. Keaton wanted to come with me and I thought it would be good to have him involved so I took him with me.
The vet suggested surgery and I made the decision to take the risk and see if it would help her. I was told she had a 50/50 chance of surviving the surgery and I thought that she would make it as she seemed to be doing so well considering her condition. The surgery was scheduled two days from then, on Wednesday.
Wednesday morning I got up early and took the food and water out of her cage so her stomach would be empty for surgery. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shinning, the birds were chirping, life was so full and abundant all around. It was not a day to die. I held Rabbit and scratched her tiny head. She closed her eyes, enjoying the attention. I told her I loved her and I put her back in her cage. I left the house before anybody else was awake as the surgery was to take place early. I walked outside, holding her cage. She was holding onto the bars, her nose poking through them, sniffing the fresh air. I noticed that our tree had pink blossoms on it this year. It was an incredible day and I was excited that Rabbit would have surgery and be back with us later that day and we could put this whole dying thing behind us for a while as Rabbit would be healthy again. I dropped her off at the vet and left, confident that I would be back there later that day to take her home.
I did some shopping and headed home. I told Keaton that Rabbit was in surgery and that we could pick her up soon. A few minutes later the phone rang. It was the vet. He said "Let's talk about Rabbit." My heart sank as I knew it was not good news. The vet told me that Rabbit had died during surgery. I'm an adult and have experienced a pet dying many times in my life but the reality that a loved animal is no longer alive is still a punch in the heart.
I hung up the phone and tried to control my emotions as I had to explain to Keaton that Rabbit had not survived the surgery. I wasn't sure if he understood or not but I was too teary to explain it any further. On the drive to pick her up I repeatedly tried to get myself into the frame of mind to be able to get into the vets office, get handed my dead pet, pay the bill and get out of there without crying. I somehow made it.
As I put Keaton into his car seat he asked to see Rabbit. I explained to him that Rabbit was dead and that her body would not move. He wanted to see her anyway. I opened the box she had been put in and Keaton looked in. He watched her for a minute and then asked why she was not trying to go and see him. I told him that her spirit had left her body and that she couldn't move anymore. He changed the topic and we drove home.
I tried in vain over the next few days to get him to talk. He had no interest. I couldn't decide what he was feeling and I'm still not sure. I think it's just too hard for him to grasp what death is. Today he told me that Rabbit is now invisible and that we just can't see her. Maybe he's got it right after all. Sounds like a good enough explanation for a 6 year old.
I decided to read about how children react to a pet's death and follows is some of what I read.
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Children under two do not understand death and will react to the emotions that those around him are displaying.
Two and three year olds have very little, if any, understanding of death. They think of it as their pet being asleep. The may miss their pet as a playmate. A child of this age who looses a pet may experience distress. This may manifest itself as loss of speach, irritability, regression. Be sure to explain that the pets passing has nothing to do with the child's behavior and that they are not responsible in any way.
Four to six year olds may have some understanding of death but they think that death somehow relates to a continued existence, like Keaton deciding that Rabbit is still with us but is invisible. They may resent that their pet is ill and wish for the pet to die. Keaton had mentioned a few times that Rabbit should just die. He had stopped playing with her when she became ill as seeing her that way caused him stress. Again, explain that the death of a pet was not caused by anything that the child may have done. Your child may become concerned that death is contagious and they may die too. If this happens be sure to calm their fears. The child may manifest the stress of loosing their pet by bladder control or eating problems. They may not sleep well. Be aware of any changes in their behavior and address the issue compassionately. It's better to have many short discussions than just one or two longer ones. Follow your child's cues.
Seven to nine year olds are quite aware of death and it is very real to them. Children of this age usually do not think that death is contagious but may become afraid that their parents will die. Be honest with their questions about death, they are old enough to have all their questions answered completely. Their stress may manifest itself in school, learning problems, antisocial behavior, hypochondriacal concerns, or aggression. They may become clingy. Their grief may occur immediately or may be delayed for months.
Ten and eleven year olds usually understand that death is a natural part of life. They may react to the death of a pet the same way an adult does. The may experience denial and show a lack of emotion if they are holding their grief inwards. If this seems to be the case be sure to give them ample opportunity to talk about their pet and how they feel. You may want to talk about how you feel. Let them know that you hurt and that you miss your pet too.
Some Do's and Don'ts:
Don't tell a young child that their pet is being "put to sleep." They may connect sleeping with death and become afraid of going to bed and sleeping.
Don't tell your child that their pet ran away as the child will wait for the pet to return. This can cause prolonged stress. Tell your child the truth.
Don't tell your child that their pet was so special that God wanted them back with him. The child may become resentful of God and wonder who God will want next.
If the pet needs to euthanized, Do explain what this is. Again, do not say that the pet is going to sleep. If the child wants to be there explain as much as possible what will happen. Explain this to your child yourself. Do not leave it up to the vet.
Do encourage the child to write or talk about their pet. Young children may want to draw pictures. Be open to how the child wants to express their feelings.
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Keaton wanted to help us bury Rabbit. We took her outside and choose a sunny area under a rose bush. We dug a hole and put the shovel aside. I unwrapped Rabbit's blanket and we all looked at her one more time. Keaton's dad and I scratched her head. Keaton declined, he did not want to touch her. We wrapped her back up in her favorite blanket and gently placed her in the ground. We put the dirt on top of her and walked away. I didn't want to think of her down there in the ground and I'm sure Keaton didn't want to either as he ran straight to his swing and sat there for some time.
It's been three days now and Keaton has began talking about Rabbit. I'm sure he still doesn't understand death and I'd prefer it stayed that way but unfortunately he has to know sooner or later. Our other rat, Blue Jack, is 4 months old and since rats don't live long we'll be here again in a couple of years.
Be well.
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